HOW TO SWIM WITH SHARKS

(an allegory on modern office politics)

Actually, nobody wants to swim with sharks. It is not an acknowledged sport and it is neither enjoyable nor exhilerating. These instructions are written primarily for the benefit of those who, by virtue of their occupation, find that they must swim and find that the water is infested with sharks.

RULE 1: Assume all unidentified fish are sharks – not all sharks look like fish, and some fish which are not sharks sometimes act as sharks. Unless you have witnessed docile behavior in the presence of shed blood on more than one occasion, it is best to assume that an unknown species is a shark.

RULE 2: Do not bleed. It is a cardinal principle that if you are injured, either by accident or intent, you must not bleed. Experience shows that bleeding prompts an even more aggressive attack. Admittedly, it is difficult not to bleed when injured. Indeed, at first this may seem impossible. Diligent practice, however, will permit the experienced swimmer to sustain a serious laceration without bleeding and without even exhibiting any loss of composure. This hemostatic reflex can, in part, be conditioned, but there may be constitutional aspects as well. Those who cannot learn to control their bleeding should not attempt to swim with sharks for the peril is too great. The control of bleeding has a positive, protective element for the swimmer. The shark will be confused as to whether or not it’s attack has injured you, and confusion is to the swimmer’s advantage. On the other hand, the shark may know it has injured you and be puzzled as to why you do not bleed or show distress. This also has a profound effect on sharks. They begin to question their own potency or, alternatively, believe that the swimmer has supernatural powers.

RULE 3: Counter any aggression promptly. Sharks rarely attack a swimmer without warning. Usually, there is some tentative, exploratory aggressive action. It is important that the swimmer recognize that this behavior is a prelude to an attack and takes prompt action, both vigorous and remedial. The appropriate countermove is a sharp blow to the shark’s nose. Almost invariably this will prevent a full-scale attack, or it makes it clear that you understand the shark’s intentions and are prepared to use whatever force necessary to repel the aggressive action. Some swimmers mistakenly believe that an ingratiating attitude will dispel an attack under these circumstances. This is not correct. Such a response provokes a shark attack. Those who hold this erroneous view can usually be identified by their missing limbs.

RULE 4: Get out if someone is bleeding. If a swimmer (or a shark) has been injured and is bleeding, get out of the water immediately. The presence of blood and the thrashing of water will elicit aggressive behavior, even in the most docile of sharks. This latter group, poorly skilled in attacking, often behave irrationally and may attack uninvolved swimmers or sharks. Some are so inept that, in the confusion, they injure themselves. No useful purpose is served in attempting to rescue an injured swimmer. This swimmer will or will not survive the attack and your intervention cannot protect the swimmer once blood has been shed.

RULE 5: Use anticipatory retaliation. A constant danger to the skilled swimmer is that sharks will forget that he/she is a skilled swimmer and may attack in error. Some sharks have notoriously poor memories in this regard. This memory loss can be prevented by a program of anticipatory retaliation. The skilled swimmer should engage in these activities periodically, and the periods should not be less than the memory span of the shark. Thus, it is not possible to state fixed intervals. The procedure may need to be repeated frequently with forgetful sharks and need be done only once for those sharks that have total recall. The procedure is essentially the same as described in Rule 4 – a sharp blow to the nose. Here, however, the blow is unexpected and serves to remind the shark that you are both alert and unafraid. Swimmers should take proper care not to injure the shark and draw blood during this exercise, for two reasons: First, the shark, as most sharks do, may bleed profusely, and this leads to the chaotic situation described in Rule 4. Second, if swimmers act in this fashion, it may not be possible to distinguish swimmers from sharks.

RULE 6: Disorganize an organized attack. Usually sharks are sufficiently self-centered that they do not act in concert against a swimmer. This lack of organization greatly reduces the risk of swimming among sharks. However, on occasion, sharks may launch a co-ordinated attack upon a swimmer, or even upon one of their own number. The proper strategy is diversion. Sharks can be diverted from their organized attack by introducing the following two elements: First, sharks as a group, are especially prone to internal dissension. An experienced swimmer can divert an organized attack by introducing something, often something minor or trivial which sets the sharks to fighting amongst themselves. Usually, by the time the internal conflict is settled, the sharks cannot even recall what they were setting out to do, much less get organized to do it. Second, introduce something that so enrages the members of the group that they begin to lash out in all directions, even attacking inanimate objects in their fury. What should be introduced? Unfortunately, different things prompt internal dissension or blind fury in different groups of sharks. Here, one must be experienced in dealing with a given group of sharks, for what enrages one group will pass unnoted by another.

Finally, it is scarcely necessary to state that it is unethical for a swimmer under attack by a group of sharks to counter the attack by diverting the sharks to another swimmer. It is, however, common to see this done by novice swimmers and by sharks when they fall under a concerted attack.